i love him. I know i do.But not because i think i do but because i know i will. But because i accept him flaws and all. Because idc.because i dont mind showing him what real love is. Because honestly, thats someone i’d want to grow with. And build memories with. Because we’re so alike. And we’re very different. And hes so closeminded.. I just want him to see shit… Even if its not with me. I want to encourage him. Hes young. hes experienced though. Hes mature.i really fuck with him. Hes cool ppls. honestly, if we really would even end up together, i just know i’d always hold that spot for him and never give it up to anyone and thats if he keeps his word being my bestfriend. Because lord knows i needed someone. not just anyone.
God, thank you. Thank you for life. Thank you for love. Thank you for hope. Thank you for faith. Thank you for creativty. Thank you.
Forgive me. Forgive me for all the sins I have comitted. Forgive me fof ignorance and stupidity. Forgive me. Know that I love you and know that I mean no harm my Lord.
Thank you for dreams. Wishes. Thank you for knowledge. Thank you for friends. Thank you for family.
Thank you for better days.
Thank you most importantly, for experiences. Thank you. I love you. We love you.
so i mean… Wtf am i doing.. Cause i know for sure that I’m wasting my damn time.. and i know for sure that this shit aint right ..& i’m one who doesnt play about my time on a nigga. dead weight. Cause see.. This is that could b well spent. I dont have time to jst sit here nd fall for someone who dont even fucking want shit. Like son i really dont care cause at the end of the day the shit is over and dont with. this right here.. Being w eachother all day every day n crap, i dnt want not one bit. U basically being selfish taken up all my time just to fuckin leave me with feelings n shit. No good. Im no fucking dummy man. & its like when ppl start playin w me like im so damn dummy or like im jst sweet.. Like imma real live jst sit here n b for a nigga who aint all for me. Slim a relationship w him would dead ass be dead lol. so i mean im glad it all turned out like this.. but because he obviously doesnt want me so all that “i want u ” bullshit is out the window. slim someone who wants me, will get me but then try and keep me. So i dnt care for the bullshit. i mean, yeah the chemistry great but it doesnt mean everything else on the ups. See, me. I really dont want a relationship.. but see if its the right person, i’ll be respectful of their time & if asked to b faithful, then im w it, mainly if its cause i want them. But see, respect aint always reciprocated .. Especially Not for long. I think thats what that tells me. cause see, aint no sense for all of this. Just gtf. Not with the shits. I never care ab bullshit nd thats jst sad.. Cause dude was actually ite .. Im all good though. Imab to b. Too busy so imma need all my free time as possible anyway.. Though i dont even want him to go nywhere.. I rlly do like his company just not when he start actin like shit is in his control nd start talkin like he really feelin me. That shit jst b too in the way.. like shit jst isnt common sense.. Its so funny cause my motto is “im young and still have some hoeing to do”.. But real live i wasnt hoeing around jst now cause this lil boy done did the most ab the shits.. now it jst feels so good to b back but aye, im right w him on that.. He just cant handle the shits. Womp womp.. I honestly need a lil gf.. I be too bored.
This title is New Beginings, simply because 2016 is the start of a new year, new beginning. Am I content with the kick off of this new year? Yes, I am. I will be going back to school this year. I am way too excited about that! Bachleors in nursing, now I do think I should review my choices regarding that, but I am very interested in so. the fact that i have to pick something to even be interested in , or act like i’m entirely interested in anything rl bothers me. I know my passion and entent in this world but it’s like dang… what a time to be alive huh..granted, I know the way things are supposed to be. so, i finally left that nigger. I mean nigger because ignorant isnt even the word.. but i finally left him. Noone’s perfect, but he just wasnt right for me. or vice versa. He showed me once again.. that that’s not the type of love i need. crazy, cause i left someone for him and yet, i thought i wasnt loved then..so all of this to either end up w who i am now or soon he shall too pass.. Smh, because honestly i dont want to pass on that. Oh yeah, well, i took a shot and scored.. Now i feel like i have someone real.. Real is cool but that “ginuwine” part is the question.. well, here’s one thing that bothers me. he’s young.. Whic means he’s childish n still has some “hoeing” to do so he claims.. But since u met me, there’s rl no hoeing involved. Go be a how by yourself.. But i rl think that may not be the case. Hmm, something worth figuring out.. Im sure of it. i mean, christian alexander haskins makes me smile from fucking ear to ear!!! Makes my freaking face turn red thats how nervous i get, gives me butterflies..just makes me stare at him in awe. i just want to relax and actually get to know a person and actually feel for them in the right way shape nd form. We’ve been “talking” for about a month now, and we havent had intercourse .. which is just so surprising i cant get over it, but i fall in love with the importance of it everyday. i fall more and more in love with this whole situation every day. he’s like a freaking drug. It just feels so right as if weve been dealing w eachother for so long now. The comfortablity level is out of the roof . He’s a leo and i’m an aries and we’re perfect for eachother.it just seems like we both h8 the idea of relationships . Which honestly sucks but then agaain, it comes in handy cause shit is always leveled out. I crave him, as soon as he walks right out of my room like idk wht to do w myself altho it’s creepy, it’s like i jst dnt care for or to spend time w nyone else..like i dont want nyone else..I have to thank God numerously. it’s something about this man that I just dont want to go anywhere. the way he stares at me, the way he caresses me. man i just wish i shot my shot a long ass time ago.lonng long asss time ago. we wouldve been already had ish poppin. love at its finest. i kept dreaming about him, wouldnt leave my mind. I just hope i’m not wasting my time.. I ‘d hate to waste my time. I’d hate to waste my feelings. I really fuck with you man dont fuck it up..but its so hard for me to just believe and trust anything that comes out of any one’s mouth & im sure the feelings/opinions r mutual. Its funny because i called him clingy, but not in a sense where hes annoying or nything i wasnt saying it in a way were like i fuck w it, hes not the type that’ll b like “im bored” but be n the bed not doin nything while on the phone w me when i live right up the street lol. thats my point. i love being clingy & i love my piece or whtvr to b clingy because its like that assures me that you rl wouldnt care to b nywhere but w me.. Which i dnt want to continue fakin and fronting w this shit. i know wht im feeling n wht i like n want, like idc if im being clingy .. Idc… its not bcause i think hes cheating or blah n gotta watch his every move. Ok wait.. Idk why i said “cheating” lol but whtvr. idk its all jst effing wierd cause its not like we fuck buddies or nything like that. We are purely jst talking & like it’s jst wierd cause “feelings” r somehwat involved n its like shit!!! lol …..theres rl one thing that freaking scares the shit out my ass.. just the fact that i havent expressed my story to him. Who I am, what i’m ab, what i came from.. why i even think the way i do..But the last time i expressed my story, see it was a spit in the face. It tore me apart..broke my heart even more, what felt like was even worst.. So depressed.. was tooo depressed. butthe last person i expressed that to, didnt even care..used everything i expressed and used it to hurt me. I was so fucking trapped, i dont ever want to be in that predicament ever again. but if i ever do, its mainly my fault… Like everything always is. i justwant love. love that God will make sure i recieve from someone through him. Some way some how. i’m just so tired of my heart being broken. im only 20 and my heart’s been glued back together nd thrown back to the grown so many times. if i tell chris.. How would he even react? I dnt even think i want to tell him.. but i have this burden that comes w a wall & it’s not fair.. But thats what im working on. i told him this isnt what he wants. i dont want to push him away, im trying so hard not to but im so good at hiding pain, u wouldnt even know or think. im trying so hard not to keep this wall up when it comes to him.like i dnt want to judge nor put him thru ny obstacle.. Thats not fair. Thats why. Im not rushing… If nything he deserves a clean ass slate. i have pain w me, like i know he’s not gonna stick around.. Its like something tht keeps trynna tell me that this is jst gonna b games. But im trying.. trying. I still have some getting to know to do. i mean like when i f knw someone like this. I consider everything… Pregnancy nd all. Nythings possible nd like theres no need to be lackin
Drowning in an ocean full of hate and sorrow,That was my everyday.
The waters holding me down,
Wave after wave.
I could feel the strength around my neck.
I felt like I could fight back,
All I needed was a sec.
This beam of light, so strong, appeared,
I knew that this was it, my time was near.
I reached, so far, for that beam of light.
Next thing I know, it grabbed me,
The Lord was right before me,
Spoke unto me.
“I think it’s time you stop being your own enemy.”
That’s the day that Christ saved me,
Nor did I understand why.
See, my wings were broken, then,
But now I can fly.
See, my love for God is oh so high.
Never will I drown again,
I shall only float.
No matter in what dangerous ocean,
God will forever be my boat.
He will forever shelter me in any storm,
Like a rain coat.
I am so blessed by his merciful love.
There’s no doubt, that when I’m gone,
I will be soaring high with him, above.
I havent wrote in a long time, which really just made me frown. Its like, from now on I know to keep things to myself and embrace my own world and growth. I feel as though ofcourse things will be funny and just histerical, but ofcourse I’ll be laughing through it all. God has really saved me, and I am so thankful for him and truly blessed, we all are. So now, I babysit my nieces and cousin, has been going very well. I cant wait💕. The Devil has been testing me w/ a lot of things but I’m trying my best to work through them and keep an eye out. but people are actually really rude and thats another sense that ive been able to point out that i see so much rudeness. its funny though,only the Devil speaking through them to try andspeak to me. But I tell him off😊 he cant get to me lol. Will never work. I love it all, although it all my make my skin crawl. God youre truly amazing. I wrote an amazing poem about him, I think I really want to post it.
I just.. I just think I’m worrying too much and being stressed isnt the best decision for me rn. I know what I need to do, yet it just seems so out of touch. im really trying to be optimistic w this whole love thing but like i feel like ive been waiting for 100 years and not just 1. I feel disconnected. Distant. Gloomy. This isnt making me happier, this is sad. Especially if a person swears up and down that he loves me. like i just feel like its not really love and if I should help it get there, which i know i can but he doesnt know the way he makes me feel is because of him and the way i act towards him is because of the way he acts period. I try. With God i am already happy, i wakeup happy and want the best for everything but he just changes that. Its like I’m i that invisible? Am i asking for that much. Im only asking for the obvious. Im scared and afraid. I shouldnt be. Love shouldnt make you scared and afraid and guess. but with him, with myself I know i can, it’s just why wont he leave the picture? Is it because he’s supposed to be here or is it because I keept dragging him? idk, I know i need to fall back. I need to relax and focus on me. This is my journey, not his.