So i found out more horrible news today… Like what could possibly be next ? what the hell. To top it all off. I asked him did he think he valued our last time spending time last night? Oh he felt he did. His whole excuse was he thought i didnt want any drama & he claims he was jut trying to be there for me.. thats why he didnt focus on him keeping me.. yet, thats bullshit…… because i never told him to come over to be here for me, because i dont expect nor need him to be here for me anymore, thats no longer applicable for him because he never rlly has been so why all of a sudden? No thank you. and yes we talked about my aunt nd her situation, but then that was it.. after that, wokeup, and ofcourse he tried to get some pussy. Its almost like i have dumb written on my forehead. its ridiculous because of how everything just turned ito bullshit. You had one last night with me forever..& you claim you didnt want drama because you thought you didnt have to prove somewhat or something for your last time with me.. Like maybe thats just closure for us. Its like.. the more and more, i just completely become turned off. I dont know who he is anymore.. Last night was soo empty. Like no feelings. No emotions. Nothing. Kisses felt unreal..as always. everything’s just dull. yet, you want me to at least open my legs..? And all you could say was, “i want to marry you.” No. Like you claimed you would try your hardest to prove yourself and all.. But yet, you just told me “if you have to move on then i cant do anything but accept it.” like okay.. youre just complete bullshit and i see right past it. I’m just boo boo the fool lately huh?
You said you missed me and wanted to be in my presence… yet.. I give you that last opportunity & you flushed it… why? youve just sat here for almost 4 hours now.. You havent said a word. You havent convinced not one bit. This is it. Im sure this is it for me and you. Im cold turkey.. I dont have any type of feeling in me that craves you.. yet, even when i still have some lil bit of niceness left in me, you basically jst wasted it. Hey, your choice.. Yet you still dont know this is the last time you’ll see me and spend time with me. im just … Blah.. Surprised.. Because.. Why are you even here rn? I knew it’d be like this. Shouldve never told you to come. i mean… why??? like.. i jst thought it would be different this time…
So i’m watching this movie called “The Good Lie.” This movie is beyond wonderful. Captivated me as soon as it begun. This movie is about the Civil War in Sudan and how a group of children made it through the War and made it to The United States. The only problem was how one of the children, the only girl got separated from the others(boys). The men went to Kansas and the girl went to Fargo with family and only because no family in Kansas would except her. It was a good lie, because she was supposed to be in Kansas along with her brothers. Turns out that she actually flew to Kansas to be with her brothers sooner than later by the help of the employment manager who kept a close bond with the men. It was soo beautiful. I cried😭😭 because noone ever understands or knows what someone else’s struggles are. It was amazing just seeing them adapt to America. Not knowing what Mcondalds is, or not knowing how to flip a light switch or use a straw. They even lost brothers when they all were younger trying to survive through the Civil War. Very sad. I definitely love this movie and i could watch it 100000 times.
Just feeling so hurt. A real strong blockade blocking ny heart. Hurting. Nonchalant. blunt. Trying to feed my heart.. but it starts to vomitt. Intoxicated. broken.
captivated by your tranquilizing love,
That love that wont let you live.
That love that wont let you see.
That love that wont even let you be.
Your love was so like a drug,
As i overdosed.
The love that we share has just hit a year, on 5/25. That one year that determines everything. That brings everything to the light’s surface. So deep that the emotions and feelings are, but yet.. All the bad has started to float. then.. We began to sink. I tried.. but you keep allowing me to see this side of you i never wanted to see. Granted, i know im not perfect and neither are you.. But you showed me at the wrong time. i needed you all of this time. ive needed you so bad.. But you always seemed to dissapear.. Your physical “being” being there doesnt mean so much as far as your emotional “being” being there. weve cried together.. weve laughed together.. Weve conquered mistakes. but youre supposed to be my bestfriend..it doesnt feel like i have one and never did.. Youre supposed to be there no matter what.. But ive never judged you like you always judged me. The whole kill is: ive loved you completely inside and out..& never recieved remotely the same. As time went by i distanced myself. especially after WE lost something so special, I was the only one affected by it. weve never trusted eachother. weve never were good with communication. I know i shouldnt just blantantly give up.. But i have no choice. Its time for me.. Done worrying about you. Its always about you. You are beyond selfish. I wish you remained the man i fell in love with but you warned me you would never be that man again towards me. I decided to not listen..which was probably the entire mistake. you never asked me am i okay.never.. suicidal thoughts all the time, ive told you.. you ignored.. up until today.. you still ignored.. & the only person that saved me.. was my gaurdian angel, my one and only laylah, my child i never got to meet. As soon as you left.. I filled the bathtub up..i wrote my suicide note. i got in..& went under water, nostril and lungs open.. I was so close.. The only thing that made me get up and gasp for air was my daughter. The babiest voice of em all, “mommy dont do it”. immediately had tears in my eyes, thats how i found out she wouldve been a girl. then, i ignored it and tried another way because i thought maybe there really wasnt any voices..or felt like i couldnt really do it.. so i grabbed a can of some type of solvent..flammable. Very toxic.. just to drink the whole can. Yet , i heard again “mommy please”. I felt the presence.. I felt it. I knew it was her.yet, you claimed you were so here for me and wanted to protect me & love me.. Yet, you left my presence inorder for me to act out knowing what i could be capable of.. you knew but didnt care because you were so wrapped around yourself. when the whole situation is about me. You ridiculed me all day today. Laughed.. Called me names. bashed me out. picked everything that was going wrong n my life and spoke on it.. When im already a mess.. when im already feeling deeper than deep. you didnt care.. my main problem, was that you said you were the only one here for me but yet youre not even really here.. I cant. laylah told me to go. Move on. ive told you over and over. you just went about. Only to make me feel way worst about myself & life. Only to put the icing on the cake to push myself to remove myself from this world. i was weak when you first met me and still weak now..& you know it. you never tried holding my hand and really help and push me.. But because youve said such hurtful things to me today&/previously that i cant even believe youve said.. i loved/love you so much, more than words can explain. But we’re toxic.. Or at least i am.. sometimes things have to be left alone for the puzzle pieces to be put together.. but for now, i just know i cant. my heart is frozen. Just wont let me love. It would be selfish of me to stay with you and not really love you but because now.. I cant love you. i wont be able to love you the way you want to be loved and i really havent bbeen able to.. Pushing you away, saying get off me, leave me alone, go away..Or telling you that im going out with friends nd stuff but dont even leave the house, i just sit there and think and cry and write and dont bother to call you or anything because i didnt really want to speak to you;has happened numerous times..and why did i carry it like that? Because it alowed me to see how unhappy you were with me.. All the accusations nd claiming i was out being hoeish or hoeing or doing anything wrong or even turning up…but that wasnt even the case.. That just let me know what youve always thought about me. but because my soul has had enough. this isnt the blame game, so dont think so, but because im on a journey.. love is just love.. and if love is oh so real.. Itll always be there someway somehow. you taught me a lot & a lot had changed.. But the only people i can love right now is myself and laylah. i need to be able to go ahead and get things together with no one in my way, face, life, business or anything.. Because they always judge.. they always end up being iffy.. yet, you say all my “friends” get chances nd etc nd blah blah but you had chances too.. Youre in the same boat as they are so that.. too means you arent a real friend neither then, correct? so since im cutting them loose, It wouldnt make any sense to keep you. but because lately, everybody has proven themselves and has brought the nonchalant leila back and as you can see, ive done reallly turned ice cold. i never wanted it to be like this. Didnt want it to feel like this. You were everything to me. Spent everyday with you basically, but a lot of things are missing. i will probably always keep in contact with you. you had time evan. you had me evan. you had love evan. yet.. I dont know street101 or wasnt n the streets …yet i grinded for you and me and had to even act like the streets was all i knew. Yet, you ridiculed me for that.. For being your ride or die. For making sure you had food to eat. yet.. You judged me on that & i promise you.. thats the last i would ever do for you.. Because when youre mad.. The truth comes out. Idc what anybody says.. because when youre mad. Especially you.. Thats when the real you comes out because aint shit sugar coated. WE didnt successfully have laylah for a reason. all i ever asked you for was to really show me what true love and happiness was. i dont want to make you feel horrible but evan, since i mey you. A lot of things got worst for me.mentally..emotionally. Physically. altho youre the sweetest love ive known and the realest.. happiness was only temporary. we stopped connecting.. We stopped vibing. We stopped being so affectionate.. We stopped living.. Ive felt soo dead.. soooo damn dead.. Its time for me to make myself feel alive .. Because i cant depend or rely on you obviously. i cant expect you to make me happy even tho u said u would.. i have to make myself happy. I have to find joy myself. i thought you would be that crutch that extra light that extra smile that extra warmth .. But most times.. Its not really there. Maybe we’re just two different people.. But if im not good.. Then our relationship cant be good. but i also cant fix myself while with you because we also need repairing.. I just cant multitask like that. Kind of feel like idk who you are anymore and im sure you dont know who i am because everytime you look at me its with disgust..or everytime you look at me you call me a hoe.. Thats how i know you dont know me. its all probably because we rushed into the relationship. god knows i love u so much .. But you knew i was damaged with men in my life when you met me.. but you just didnt pay attention .. If you really are the man for me.. you wouldnt have showed me sides of you that remind me of the men who damaged me.i dont want a man who reminds me of the men ive encoutered previously..but because ever since i met you all youve ever done is compared me to your exes..so i was never different to you in the first place.. .. im just numb & i apologize for it all, But because i really seen forever with you. was so crazy about you.. Wanted to build with you. family with you. but it jst seems like youre trying to rob me of everything. i’ll always love you and your goosey self. you’ll be so great. youre amazing and incredibly talented with a great heart and personality. youre so funny and comfy & i love it how you curl up under me like a little kitty & despite how you hid most of you from me, still till this day..what i got to see, just know anyone who will ever get to have you will automatically fall in love. continue being a wonderful father to your son, because he’s all you need and all youve got.. Not me. Now you can show him how to correctly treat women. ❤️