Monthly Archives: July 2015

Savior(poem)

Drowning in an ocean full of hate and sorrow,That was my everyday.

The waters holding me down,

Wave after wave.

I could feel the strength around my neck.

I felt like I could fight back,

All I needed was a sec.

This beam of light, so strong, appeared,

I knew that this was it, my time was near.

I reached, so far, for that beam of light.

Next thing I know, it grabbed me,

Captivated me.

The Lord was right before me,

Spoke unto me.

“I think it’s time you stop being your own enemy.”

That’s the day that Christ saved me,

Nor did I understand why.

See, my wings were broken, then,

But now I can fly.

See, my love for God is oh so high.

Never will I drown again,

I shall only float.

No matter in what dangerous ocean,

God will forever be my boat.

He will forever shelter me in any storm,

Like a rain coat.

I am so blessed by his merciful love.

There’s no doubt, that when I’m gone,

I will be soaring high with him, above.

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Long Time

I havent wrote in a long time, which really just made me frown. Its like, from now on I know to keep things to myself and embrace my own world and growth. I feel as though ofcourse things will be funny and just histerical, but ofcourse I’ll be laughing through it all. God has really saved me, and I am so thankful for him and truly blessed, we all are. So now, I babysit my nieces and cousin, has been going very well. I cant wait💕. The Devil has been testing me w/ a lot of things but I’m trying my best to work through them and keep an eye out. but people are actually really rude and thats another sense that ive been able to point out that i see so much rudeness. its funny though,only the Devil speaking through them to try andspeak to me. But I tell him off😊 he cant get to me lol. Will never work. I love it all, although it all my make my skin crawl. God youre truly amazing. I wrote an amazing poem about him, I think I really want to post it.

Wanderer 

I just.. I just think I’m worrying too much and being stressed isnt the best decision for me rn. I know what I need to do, yet it just seems so out of touch. im really trying to be optimistic w this whole love thing but like i feel like ive been waiting for 100 years and not just 1. I feel disconnected. Distant. Gloomy. This isnt making me happier, this is sad. Especially if a person swears up and down that he loves me. like i just feel like its not really love and if I should help it get there, which i know i  can but he doesnt know the way he makes me feel is because of him and the way i act towards him is because of the way he acts period. I try. With God i am already happy, i wakeup happy and want the best for everything but he just changes that. Its like I’m i that invisible? Am i asking for that much. Im only asking for the obvious. Im scared and afraid. I shouldnt be. Love shouldnt make you scared and afraid and guess. but with him, with myself I know i can, it’s just why wont he leave the picture? Is it because he’s supposed to be here or is it because I keept dragging him? idk, I know i need to fall back. I need to relax and focus on me. This is my journey, not his.

The Devil is trying to test me

You know you can feel the Devil’s presence.. Well my mom definitely showed it today.. Angry, furious.. For no reason.. i tried my best to hold my composure, I feel i did a good job. But noone will try to make me angry for no good reason. Literally over a waffke maker. I cannot let her bring me down. Had me in tears.. Felt my belly cringe vecause i yelled so loud. I was on my way to a meeting about women. I couldnt even make it there. I was just angry. I didnt understand, at all. nor did I understand Evan’s actions.. When I called to tell him ab it … It was just blank.. Didnt feel the same as ever… He flipped the whole thing nd made it ab him as usual… I just cant care anymore. There was a big gap filled w nothing. Only to make me cry more. I did my makeup so nicely nd let tears mess it up. Then, i literally wished i could just call God nd he would calm me down. I just now looked at Evan’s twitter and it made me cringe. As always..i hate it all nd yet he still ignores me nd cant do just one thing to put a smile on my face. Yesterday.. I smilled but because something so ginuwine happened nd i appreciated it. This man had to stop me.. Twice just to tell me how beautiful i am especially w this bump of mine… Ofcourse i was like “seriously?” Haha.. I definitely appreciated and told him it made my whole day and it really did. It really made my heart so warm. But because Evan doesnt tell me im beautiful everyday..actually… No days. It hurts me. It really hurts me. I cant breathe any longer. i cant take it anymore.. Wondering what happened to the evan i fell in love with.. But its not real.. He likes to prove everyone around him right. Hes lustful and does t have God inorder to love me. He doesnt have him faithfully. I bet you he hasnt even asked God to help him love me but because he doesnt care. I dont care anymore. Hes like everyother man. Im worrying ab my child and how much i love her. Nd how she will bring me so much love as she already does. I miss her so much already. Shes my everything. I cannot wait. Amaya im thinking..😊❤️

Wanderer 

I just.. I just think I’m worrying too much and being stressed isnt the best decision for me rn. I know what I need to do, yet it just seems so out of touch. im really trying to be optimistic w this whole love thing but like i feel like ive been waiting for 100 years and not just 1. I feel disconnected. Distant. Gloomy. This isnt making me happier, this is sad. Especially if a person swears up and down that he loves me. like i just feel like its not really love and if I should help it get there, which i know i  can but he doesnt know the way he makes me feel is because of him and the way i act towards him is because of the way he acts period. I try. With God i am already happy, i wakeup happy and want the best for everything but he just changes that. Its like I’m i that invisible? Am i asking for that much. Im only asking for the obvious. Im scared and afraid. I shouldnt be. Love shouldnt make you scared and afraid and guess. but with him, with myself I know i can, it’s just why wont he leave the picture? Is it because he’s supposed to be here or is it because I keept dragging him? idk, I know i need to fall back. I need to relax and focus on me. This is my journey, not his.

Crossing

I had to cross the street, just a little. I was becoming something/someone I wasnt, meaning: I was falling into someone’s expectations/path rather than building and following my own path that I had already created. Which, is so not like me, at all. I still want to feel life and live. I want to be me. I gave my old life up, so now I have to find and seek who I really am. It’s all a new me, new everything. I want things to come naturally, things to feel right. To always smile because I know this is who I am. To always feel like I’m not telling little white lies when explaining myself to whom ever. I want to love, grow, explore. Out of this world. Time to be who I was meant to be all along❤️

💔

I cant believe you let me down. Tears of joy i must say. God will not long to see me sad or miserable or let me think there’s something wrong w me. God has a plan for me, God has someone for me. i really thought it was him you know? Someone who’d do everything in their power to save us, no matter what. Someone who’ll love me and never stop loving me. I’m incredibly sad but because I thought it was love. I thought it was everything.

I definitely know that I just have to block him and move on with life. There’s just no way i feel like that we can possibly repair everything. I did a lot for this guy. A lot. Got up and moved 24 hours and did the most devilish things for him. I cant believe it. I cant believe I’m trying to hold on to nothing. smh. I cant believe im even considering anything. Like why? Why would i ever?