The Devil is trying to test me

You know you can feel the Devil’s presence.. Well my mom definitely showed it today.. Angry, furious.. For no reason.. i tried my best to hold my composure, I feel i did a good job. But noone will try to make me angry for no good reason. Literally over a waffke maker. I cannot let her bring me down. Had me in tears.. Felt my belly cringe vecause i yelled so loud. I was on my way to a meeting about women. I couldnt even make it there. I was just angry. I didnt understand, at all. nor did I understand Evan’s actions.. When I called to tell him ab it … It was just blank.. Didnt feel the same as ever… He flipped the whole thing nd made it ab him as usual… I just cant care anymore. There was a big gap filled w nothing. Only to make me cry more. I did my makeup so nicely nd let tears mess it up. Then, i literally wished i could just call God nd he would calm me down. I just now looked at Evan’s twitter and it made me cringe. As always..i hate it all nd yet he still ignores me nd cant do just one thing to put a smile on my face. Yesterday.. I smilled but because something so ginuwine happened nd i appreciated it. This man had to stop me.. Twice just to tell me how beautiful i am especially w this bump of mine… Ofcourse i was like “seriously?” Haha.. I definitely appreciated and told him it made my whole day and it really did. It really made my heart so warm. But because Evan doesnt tell me im beautiful everyday..actually… No days. It hurts me. It really hurts me. I cant breathe any longer. i cant take it anymore.. Wondering what happened to the evan i fell in love with.. But its not real.. He likes to prove everyone around him right. Hes lustful and does t have God inorder to love me. He doesnt have him faithfully. I bet you he hasnt even asked God to help him love me but because he doesnt care. I dont care anymore. Hes like everyother man. Im worrying ab my child and how much i love her. Nd how she will bring me so much love as she already does. I miss her so much already. Shes my everything. I cannot wait. Amaya im thinking..😊❤️

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Wanderer 

I just.. I just think I’m worrying too much and being stressed isnt the best decision for me rn. I know what I need to do, yet it just seems so out of touch. im really trying to be optimistic w this whole love thing but like i feel like ive been waiting for 100 years and not just 1. I feel disconnected. Distant. Gloomy. This isnt making me happier, this is sad. Especially if a person swears up and down that he loves me. like i just feel like its not really love and if I should help it get there, which i know i  can but he doesnt know the way he makes me feel is because of him and the way i act towards him is because of the way he acts period. I try. With God i am already happy, i wakeup happy and want the best for everything but he just changes that. Its like I’m i that invisible? Am i asking for that much. Im only asking for the obvious. Im scared and afraid. I shouldnt be. Love shouldnt make you scared and afraid and guess. but with him, with myself I know i can, it’s just why wont he leave the picture? Is it because he’s supposed to be here or is it because I keept dragging him? idk, I know i need to fall back. I need to relax and focus on me. This is my journey, not his.

Crossing

I had to cross the street, just a little. I was becoming something/someone I wasnt, meaning: I was falling into someone’s expectations/path rather than building and following my own path that I had already created. Which, is so not like me, at all. I still want to feel life and live. I want to be me. I gave my old life up, so now I have to find and seek who I really am. It’s all a new me, new everything. I want things to come naturally, things to feel right. To always smile because I know this is who I am. To always feel like I’m not telling little white lies when explaining myself to whom ever. I want to love, grow, explore. Out of this world. Time to be who I was meant to be all along❤️

💔

I cant believe you let me down. Tears of joy i must say. God will not long to see me sad or miserable or let me think there’s something wrong w me. God has a plan for me, God has someone for me. i really thought it was him you know? Someone who’d do everything in their power to save us, no matter what. Someone who’ll love me and never stop loving me. I’m incredibly sad but because I thought it was love. I thought it was everything.

I definitely know that I just have to block him and move on with life. There’s just no way i feel like that we can possibly repair everything. I did a lot for this guy. A lot. Got up and moved 24 hours and did the most devilish things for him. I cant believe it. I cant believe I’m trying to hold on to nothing. smh. I cant believe im even considering anything. Like why? Why would i ever? 

Life moves on

I’m so glad the funeral is over and done with. It was very hard. I still cannot believe she’s gone. She looked so beautiful. I am so happy God took her but will miss her dearly. This is only happiness. Now i’m at the besch house in myrtle beach, sp joyful. Me and my brothers. All of them and their fiances and children, we had a blast!! It was so fun and just nice to see everyone get away from their problems!!❤️ family forever. Family over everything!! Love!!

That thing called love..

always thinking.. Though it shall not be even relevant.. i keep thinking.. If i was really content w the person whom i “love” dearly.. Then why do i question it so much? nothing should be questioned, only praised. But i cant help it, and thou i cannot blame such on the devil because even now, that im saved, theyre still here.. As before. It’s sad. But because now i’m trying to really just figure it alll out. I do not want things to evolved around him, yet i cant help it. Its like tho i knw God is my ultimate soulmate.. How can the person im with be my soulmate but yet all i do all day is wish for him to be different. Im trying to work at it.. But, its like.. Things shall come differently. things should be different. this is not what ive longed for for the rest of my life. can i marry him if asked right now? Hell no. Not at all. i need to make some changes. Wether i really want to or not, but i have to move foward with my journey.. Key word… JOURNEY. im just puzzled. all the way. Only to feel that in my heart, this is one of the things that havent been settling right. granted, he doesnt even know how to be here emotionally. Since the day my aunt died, he hasnt asked me if i am okay. u knw, this seems to happen numerous times. But im going on vacation and to celebrate my aunt’s death for a week, so i shall see how things should b carried. im just, dissappointed and especially because we both have grown up to be different ppl.. since the birth of our relationship. i just dont know anymore.

And i ended up having that convo with him and telling him everything ive said in this post. He feels he’s too young to be stressed out and to deal with this. He feels i should move on and etc. yet, I didnt even get to finish saying much. Yet, He blocked me. or do not disturbed me. I shall not acknowledge any of it then. at the end of the day, you still abandoned me.. When i just wanted to communicate what i was feeling. You know.. Maybe this is rlly just what’s best. he even said he’s glad we didnt have any kids. youknow, thats how i know he’s not in it deeply w me.. Because granted if we did, it wouldnt matter if i was happy w him or not but because i have them. i have them to love and not him. He wasnt ready for anything anyway. Which is why i figured he isnt my soulmate anyway..he didnt want any of it but because hes so glad none of it happened anyway. but see.. If we were really soulmates. It wouldnt matter anyway, you’d be ready for whatever. iguess God really couldnt wait to see this pan out but because he was right from the jump.. Idek what i convinced God that he’s my soulmate. You know, it’s always funny how things work. But, honestly.. I wish nothing but the best for ol boy. 

R.I.P Beautiful❤️ June 20,2015

Auntie, bestfriend, Queen of Tea, I miss you oh so much. I cannot believe God called you home this early but he has answered your prayers. He has lifted your spirits and saved you. Now you can soar and fly freely. You are so amazing Auntie. I love you so much and will forever remember our memories. Youre all around me. I can feel it. I’ll never forget you. Fly Auntie, Fly.❤️